Blinded

It’s a shame,
To be toxic to myself.
Despite knowing better,
I dig my own grave.
Damaging myself,
And blaming life.

I know better,
Yet I stand there,
Acting oblivious to the truth.

It crushes me to realize,
How much I hate the person I’ve become.

I’m living a lie.
Lying to everyone around me,
Living in the dark cave,
Of knowing the truth and deceiving myself.

Why?

I’m not one to believe in past life, ghosts, karma, or things science can’t prove.


But why is it some people are victims to gruesome crimes? Why are some children raised in horrible environments? Why do some people go through trauma? Why are some born on the streets?


I’m a true believer in forming your own life. I don’t feel pity for a young man living on the street because it’s his choice to live that way, when he has other ways to a better life. But I am a true believer that things one can’t control must happen for some reason. Mental health, sickness, crimes… why happen to one person and not the other? Who gets to decide that one child will go through trauma and the other will get loving parents? Who decides one will go crazy and another gets cancer?

Who makes these decisions. It’s not solely based on “luck”. Our own lives are not in our hands. What’s the point of living such a life? One we don’t really have control over, one that ends so quickly, yet so slowly. One without meaning.

Saturday morning

As I woke up late on a Saturday morning
After an exhausting week,
Nothing felt better than to just lay in bed aimlessly.
As I turned to pick up my phone,
A wave of negativity flew over me.

Like, I was conscious again, of reality.
It has been 6 months now in this new country.
Living like a dead person.

Did things actually become worse?
How was that even possible,
After hitting rock bottom last year..

Life has always been tough
From the longest time I can remember,
But don’t I deserve a break now?

Another day

Feeling lonely and empty..
Just finished a day of work,
Anxiety crippling me wondering if I could manage this job at least

Within my 4 walls, desperate to talk to someone,
I turned on Netflix, hoping for a distraction
Mind wandering with thoughts,
With no one to talk to,
I found myself laying in a hot water filled tub again.
8:51, few more hours to pass till I go to sleep.

Desperate for company,
WhatsApp buzzes with another toxic notification..
Self respect or temporary peace?
You’ve been through enough to know the answer.
“Blocked”.

Laying in the tub,
I wonder if I’ll ever find peace
I hear my mom talking to my sister outside
Oh, the pain to have a family that isn’t yours.

Wondering why I changed my life completely around,
Only to live the same torture I lived last year? Is there any difference that I’m not seeing?

I lie to myself by saying,
This is growth..
This is making me stronger..
When all I’m doing is finding a way to survive.

I keep looking for my home,
In all the wrong places.
It never gets better,
It never will.

With no hope in my heart,
No dream to see,
Wasting my 20s,
In a depressing existential crisis..
I hug myself,
For all I have,
Is me.

Do you know what it’s like?

Do you know what it’s like? What it’s like to be in my shoes? In my place. Living my life. It all seems so easy from outside. Sharing something with someone is like taking a grain out of sand, and giving it to that person, hoping he’d catch a handful.

Is it too much pressure, that’s overburdening me? Or the deep secrets that lay within me, that have no escape? Is it that I’m too emotional or life keeps throwing something new at me? Is it because I’m craving peace and since I can ever remember, I can only think of pain?

Do you know what it feels like, when you have so much to share, but nothing to say? Is there a way I can get out of this?

Anxiety

Dude, just relax. What’s the big deal. Can you chill out? Just breathe. It’s not the end of the world.


I’ve spent my life hearing these words. Anxiety can’t be explained. It needs to be understood. It’s not something I chose for myself. I never really talked about it openly, because there wasn’t a way to explain what anxiety feels like.

Here’s a try, in simple words :

A time bomb set in my head.
Never knowing when the countdown would end. Every second feels like it’s the last second till the bomb goes off. Till it blasts.
Imagine living your life like that. Every minute of the day.
Now, you would think that overtime, you’d get used to it. Used to the fear of the bomb going off. Used to the fact that death may come at any given point of time.
Now imagine, if you don’t get to die. You have to live with the time bomb. If it goes off, another one is placed. The consequences, are unbearable. Crush you to pieces, yet right after, another timer is set.
Again and again and again.

That, in a nut shell, is how anxiety feels.

Home?

I’ve always been terrible at art. As a little girl, when I used to draw home, I drew a typical house with a wooden door, small garage, and 3 windows.. overtime as I grew up.. and I moved to a different country.. the definition of Home changed for me.

The war started.

Mind tells me to go back home. Heart reminds me home is where He is.

Mind tells me it’s the land of opportunity. Heart tells me there’s nothing more to achieve.

Mind tells me it’ll make the family happy. Heart tells me to think about myself.

Mind tells me I have no reason to stay here anymore but heart tells me to stay, for no reason.

Mind tells me it’s a better lifestyle. Heart wonders what would give more peace.

Mind tells me to embrace life and accept change. Heart, heart is scared. Heart isn’t ready. Heart can’t accept change.

Mind tells me to think about the future. Heart tells me to live in the present.

Mind is strong. Heart is weak.

All the soldiers dead within, nothing left to do but gasp for air to breathe.. waiting to be saved.

What’s stopping me from going back home? Where is home? Maybe I haven’t found my home yet.

Close your eyes

Ever find yourself just sitting and finding meaning in your life? Ever felt like going deep within and trying to actually think of what makes you happy? It confuses you right? You first think of some superficial things that you think make you happy, and then your heart denies it. You feel like there’s more to what you think makes you happy. So you try digging deeper, and as you close your eyes, and think of true happiness, that’s when it hits you.

For me? I first realized that I had forgotten the true meaning of happiness when no matter what stage of my life I was at, something always seemed missing. I kept making excuses for not feeling entirely happy, till the time I ran out of excuses. There will always be reasons to be upset, unhappy, feel like the unluckiest person, or just always want or hope for something.. but have we forgotten those moments of happiness we feel when we close our eyes and actually think about life?

I won’t say that we should feel happy, because there are always people who are in worse conditions than you, because that’s just a way of disregarding others to feel better about yourself. I also won’t say that whatever happens, happens for the good. I’ve heard that all my life, and frankly, I don’t believe it. Yes, I reached where I am today; but who knows, had things happened differently, it could have been better? I also won’t say don’t worry about whatever is troubling you today, because eventually things will work out or get better; because sometimes they just don’t. You never know what’s planned for you ahead. The most sudden thing like a sickness, or loss of a loved one, can change your life forever, and you never know if things will get better for you or not.

But, I will say, that when I closed my eyes, I first saw a happy and healthy life, good money, great friends, a husband who loves me, an amazing career with a great reputation, and so much more. Just like any human being on this time planet, I thought of the things I desired most in life. I also thought of people I loved, and of course, I wished the same for them.

Then, I thought deeper. You know those flashbacks? Not just of images but where you can hear sounds and feel the touch and just go back in that moment? Images flashed in my head of people that I really care about. Their ringing sounds of laughter brought tears to my eyes. Each image filled my heart with so much love. It may be, that these people you love, aren’t with you today or maybe they hurt you in ways that make you not want to love them, but they’re in your heart for a reason. As I thought of these people, I felt a stronger and deeper meaning of life. I felt happy. Yes, I know, it’s a temporary feeling. In today’s world, it’s hard to remember the true meaning of happiness. We eventually need to deal with life..but there is something we can do for ourselves. Once in a while, close your eyes, think deeply till it hits you, like it hit me. I promise you, you will feel strength, courage, happiness, peace, and a feeling that just can’t be expressed. – written sitting in an emergency room